KEEP IT GAY

Listen, Roger, did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler? Read it? I devoured it! I for one. for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany. Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it? Do it? Of course not. THE THEATRE'S SO OBSESSED WITH DRAMAS SO DEPRESSED, IT'S HARD TO SELL A TICKET ON BROADWAY. SHOWS SHOULD BE MORE PRETTY, SHOWS SHOULD BE MORE WITTY, SHOWS SHOULD BE MORE... What's the word? Gay? Exactly! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO ON THE STAGE KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT BRIGHT, KEEP IT GAY! WHETHER IT'S MURDER, MAYHEM OR RAGE. DON'T COMPLAIN, IT'S A PAIN, KEEP IT GAY! PEOPLE WANT LAUGHTER WHEN THEY SEE A SHOW, THE LAST THING THEY'RE AFTER'S A LITANY OF WOE. A HAPPY ENDING WILL PEP UP YOUR PLAY... OEDIPUS WON'T BOMB... IF HE WINDS UP WITH MOM! KEEP IT GAY... KEEP IT GAY... KEEP IT GAY! Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings. Roger, to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want. So, c'mon, do it for us, please. No, sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea. Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production team what they think. This is my set designer, Bryan. KEEP IT GLAD, KEEP IT MAD, KEEP IT GAY! And here's my costume designer, Kevin. Hello... KEEP IT HAPPY, KEEP IT SNAPPY, KEEP IT GAY! WE'RE CLEVER, CREATIVE, IT'S OUR JOB TO SEE THAT EV'RYTHING'S PERFECT FOR MR. DE BRIS! Next, Scott, my choreographer... Hi there... And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz. KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY. I don't think we're getting to them, Max. What do we do now? Watch this. Roger, listen, I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now, you've always been associated with frivolous musicals. You're right. I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away on silly entertainments. Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns. Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn! Oh, Roger. It's enough to make you heave. Nonetheless, sorry, Max, I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler. Why not? Think of the prestige. No. Think of the respect. No, no, no. Think of... the Tony! TONY... TONY... TONY... TONY... TONY! Ngaaaahhhhh! What's the matter? Is he all light? He's having a stroke... What? ...of genius! I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something important! ROGER DE BRIS PRESENTS HISTORY! Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me. It's too downbeat. ROGER DE BRIS PRESENTS HISTORY! But maybe... it's a wild idea, but it just might work... I SEE A LINE OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS DRESSED AS STORM TROOPERS, EACH ONE A GEM, WITH LEATHER BOOTS AND WHIPS ON THEIR HIPS, IT'S RISQUE, DARE I SAY, S. AND M.! Love it! I SEE GERMAN SOLDIERS DANCING THROUGH FRANCE, PLAYED BY CHORUS BOYS IN VERY TIGHT PANTS. AND WAIT, THERE'S MORE - THEY WIN THE WAR! AND THE DANCES THEY DO WILL BE DARING AND NEW, TURN-TURN-KICK-TURN, TURN-TURN- KICK-TURN, ONE-TOW-THREE, KICK-TURN! KEEP IT SASSY, KEEP IT CLASSY, KEEP IT... That is brilliant. Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself, when I say that you are the only man in the world who can do justice to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please? Please. Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might effect the course of my entire life. I shall have to think about it... I'll do it. I'LL DO IT! Sabu, champagne! IF AT THE END YOU WANT THEM TO CHEER... KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY. WHETTHER IT'S HAMLET, OTHELLD OR LEAR... KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY. COMEDY'S JOYOUS, A CONSTANT DELIGHT, DRAMAS ANNOY US... ...AND RUIN OUR NIGHT. SO KEEP YOUR STRINDBERGS AND IBSENS AT BAY... I'LL SIGN... SIGN... SIGN... SIGN... SIGN... SIGN... Sigh... Roger Elizabeth De Bris! KEEP IT GAY!!!